This is going really well…

Well, I haven’t blogged at all since May 27…now that we’re halfway through August, I think it’s safe to say I’m not nailing this whole blog thing.

Quite a bit has happened since my last post. In an effort be remain open and honest (which is what I want the tone of this blog to be) I’ve been struggling a bit. For the most part, I’m happy and I’m finally getting to a point where I’m happy most days.

Let’s break it down…

We had to give up our dog, Molly. Molly first came to us from another home when her current owners could no longer look after her due to some personal issues. Molly was a holy terror. We loved her so much, but she wreaked so much havoc in our lives. She destroyed both my wedding band and my engagement ring. She peed all over our house. She ate all our pillows. She tore apart our duvet. Yet, we loved her to pieces anyway. She was always so happy to see us and we were always happy to see her. She was our baby.

Then, we had an actual baby. We already knew from previous experience that Molly was not great around kids, but we were hopeful that because it was OUR baby, she would be different.

She wasn’t.

So after almost 10 months, some scares and O starting to crawl, we decided it wasn’t working. We were SUPER fortunate that J’s cousin was willing to take her on the basis we may be able to take her back in a few years. They have a black lab who adores her and they are able to give her all the attention she could ever want. It’s the absolute best case scenario in an otherwise totally crap situation.

I got pregnant. Now, this had happened before the blog, but the sheer enormity of what it meant to have a newborn IN ADDITION to a very busy 15 month old suddenly felt crushing. My early days with O were really tough. I suffered from PPD and PPA. I couldn’t breastfeed. I was an emotional mess. And that was with one baby. Given that these two are going to be so close together in age, well…I’m fucking terrified. Some days I don’t think I’m even fully recovered emotionally from the birth of O. Listen, I know it can (and will) be done. I’m not the first mother to go through this, I’m aware, but it doesn’t make it any less scary.

I returned to work. Granted, this was a MUCH easier transition than I expected. We were lucky to be put in touch with an amazing daycare provider just around the corner from us. She loves O almost as much as we do and he is absolutely thriving in her care. Once that was out of the way, transitioning back into work was kind of like riding a bike. Sure, I had to re-teach myself some time management skills and deal with the commute, but I feel like a happier, better Mom.

Which of course made me feel guilty because what kind of Mom prefers to be at work than at home? Thankfully, most of the other women I work with feel the same way and assure me, there is nothing wrong with the way I’m feeling. Plus, realistically, O is probably having WAY more fun at daycare than he is with me.

Finally, this next one is a very sensitive and personal topic so I’ll only touch on it briefly. A long-term friendship of mine ended. It was a mostly mutual “break” but not completely amicable. I have a really hard time letting go of friendships. I pride myself on being a good friend and helping people in their time of need but sometimes it’s not always meant to be. Truthfully, we probably should have gone our separate ways awhile ago, but sometimes things have to hit a rock bottom before it’s time for both parties to say “enough.” However, I’m still plagued with the question “What could I have done differently?” and “Am I a bad friend?”

This had me taking a step back and I looked at my other friendships. In all honesty, my friendships aren’t what they used to be. Long gone are the days of staying on the phone until midnight, grabbing dinner on a whim or going out dancing. I barely have enough energy to shower after I put O to bed let alone anything else. I feel like shit friend, and maybe I am or maybe that’s just my reality for now. Either way, this has been really hard for me.

It’s funny because some days, I’m totally okay and I feel like I have my shit together. Then I have days (like this past weekend) where everything comes to a head and I just think I can’t do it any more. Not in a suicidal way, but in a “pack my bags and run away” way. Obviously I won’t because I love my family and everything that I have, but sometimes I just feel crushed.

I’m still figuring out how to get through these days. So far, the best advice I’ve found is to treat these moments like a train going through a tunnel. You know that there is light at the end of it, so you buckle down and ride the emotions until you pass through the tunnel and into the light. It seems to be working really well.

Anyway, sorry for the heavy post. I think it’s so important to share daily struggles outside of the perfect life we post on FB and Instagram. There is so much more to life than just the perfect moments we see online. I guess it’s all of these moments put together that make life truly worth living. Yea…I went there.

That being said, I’m being a bit of a coward and posting this while I know no one will really read this blog. BUT if there is a mom (or just person) out there feeling some of the same things I do and even get a little bit of peace from this post…it’s worth it.

Also, if you did read this, thank you. ❤

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Published by Lisa

I’m a Momma to two boys under 3. I’ve recently started a journey of becoming a mentor for other moms who want to talk about the stuff they are worried about saying outloud, setting goals for themselves and reconnecting with their awesome selves.

9 thoughts on “This is going really well…

  1. Aw Lisa. You are amazing. You are so inspiring talking about everything you feel. Huge hugs mama! Life definitely throws many curveballs. I keep just reminding myself I need to take things one minute at a time. I get overwhelmed with the big picture. You got this! Sending so much love!

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    1. Thank you SO much Christine. It’s so true, I have to constantly remind myself to take it minute by minute instead of trying to look at the big picture all the time. Thank you SO MUCH for reading and commenting ❤ Also, you're amazing too!

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  2. Lisa, thank you for reaching your goal – I feel the honest portrayal of life as a mom and can relate to the stumbling plate we keep adding on to and the loss of friendships. I lost 2 best friends of 17 years after having Kiera. Sure, they were on and off through the years, but I was certain that as we got older we would be more mature, understanding and put more effort into our friendships. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of them and it breaks my heart. No one will ever truly know how it is to be a mom until they’re there – even my idea was totally off. I am so appreciative of the new mom friends I’ve made (like you!) and cherish those who still stick to my side even though they’re nowhere near getting married or having kids. It really sucks, but it really is nice to know moms are not alone. Xoxo

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    1. Awwww Pinky, that’s so tough, I’m really sorry to hear about those two friends. I think the hardest friendships to mourn are the ones you never expected to lose. I think I knew some would fall to the wayside, but when it’s a friend of a long time and you always thought would be there, it takes a toll.

      You’re so right, there is literally NOTHING that can prepare you for motherhood. I had no idea what it was going to be like until it happened.

      I’m so glad we’ve become friends and I look forward to our little ones growing up together ❤

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  3. Thanks for sharing! I am glad to know I’m not the only mom out there struggling with some of these things. The friendship part especially rang true – I don’t think I realized just how much that aspect of my life would change. I saw my best friend only 3 times during my whole pregnancy, and now I spend more time with women whose last names I don’t know because we have kids the same age, rather then those friends who I have had for years. It’s hard, and I think what makes it harder is sometimes non-mom friends don’t fully understand it.

    *hugs* I am glad your opening up and doing better.

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    1. Omg Chantal, it’s so true. I’ve become so close to Mom’s I didn’t even KNOW this time last year and we’ve bonded in ways I’ve not been able to with non-mom friends. I think that’s OK though…One of my closest friends now was a Mom before me and we totally drifted for a couple years. Then we had babes around the same time and we’ve become closer than ever. So just because it isn’t working right now, doesn’t mean it will always be like that and I think the friendships that are meant to be, will be, even if there is some distance for a few years.

      Anyway, thank you for commenting and sharing your story too. It has helped me to know posting this was the right thing!

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  4. It’s all very true that you don’t know what it’s like to be a Mom or any other life changing event until you experience it for yourself. During the 30 plus years of being a Mom, moving to different cities, changing jobs, changing careers, three life saving heart surgeries, divorce and trying to find love again, I have lost and gained many friendships. It’s a natural an ebb and flow in life in general.

    I am very blessed to be able to say that I have a core group of 5 friends who have always been my friends: one since babies in the church nursery, one since age 2, once since kindergarten and lastly one from grade 5. Three of us have children, two do not, one never married , one now widowed thee of us have gone through divorce. We still get together every month or so. We’re still as close as we ever were. I’ll be 61 in less than two weeks and my adult children and these friends are my life’s greatest treasures.

    The people who are meant to be in your life see you through thick and thin, and if they don’t or can’t, it’s better you lose them from your life sooner rather than later to make room for the truly authentic friendships with those who will stand by your side no matter what!!!

    Feel blessed and grateful for the friendships which stand the test of time and look forward to the new friendships yet to be formed to carry you through the rest of your lives. In many ways, the best is yet to come!!!

    Love Mumzy 💕💕💕

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      1. Love you too! More than words can express., and I know you totally understand that. Love Mumzy 💕💕💕

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